ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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