My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
