Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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