A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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