I like to think it a success when the cops are called
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
