I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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