Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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