Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
