Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm passing your future prison.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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