i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
