Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We got so high we made milksteak
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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