i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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