He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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