I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
