I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
