I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
