Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just pee around me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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