a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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