I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
