Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
