I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
