What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The power of my boobs compel you
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
