My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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