Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
