I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
