forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
