so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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