just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
