My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
