You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you would pick up someone in the library
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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