maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
