I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
