I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
