I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
