i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
