There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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