True but thats because hes a fetus.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
