Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
