She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
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Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
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I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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