Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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