Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
