so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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