I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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