I will die if light touches me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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