did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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