I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
