my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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