How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
