I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
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It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
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I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Your penis caused this!
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