i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
