I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
