I just threw up on my dentist
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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