I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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