1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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