i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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