Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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