I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
