The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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