I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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